May 20, 2020

the big pause.

Just woah.

welcome to a lot of disorganized thoughts...

I can't believe that it has been nearly 2 months since this total life flip began. Today, I am sitting at my new work from home station feeling productive and content. I have a small plant on one side of me and my attempt at vegan Vietnamese iced coffee on the other. I spent the morning doing laundry, cleaning, minimizing, thinking, and planning. I can easily say this was not how I used to spend my days off from work. First off, This is only the third time I have done laundry in this apartment in the 9-months of living here (I mean really, who has coin-op laundry nowadays...and who has that many quarters!) Second, any chance I have to bop over to the seacoast, I take it. I don't tend to sit in my apartment or do simple life here. I live in Boston and (used to) work in Boston, but photography, friends, and family takes me back to New Hampshire multiple times a week. Over the past two years, you could say I lived out of my car. Always prepped with a toothbrush, camera, and scrubs. I was popping between my two lives. My happy and true life in Portsmouth, where I feel connected and able to pursue my dreams and my real and "have-to" life in Boston, where I make money and live. It was a really messy juggle of what keeps me afloat, what makes me thrive, and what I have been told to do. I lived in a constant state of waiting. Waiting for something or someone to tell me "you can go live your true life now". This past year, I could see my dreams and desires running through my head. I kept saying someday. Thanks to this pause and the book Untamed: By Glennon Doyle, I decided now.

I spent most of my life thinking I really don't want to disappoint the people I love and they have more life experience than me. That seemed like a pretty solid way to keep my head on straight. It kept me following the rules and on "the path I am supposed to take." The safe route. I can easily say, all I have ever been and all I have ever done is safe. My happiness and my dreams were confined to this safe little box. But how many dreams can happen in a box? How much happiness can you truly feel in a box? How big can you grow within a box? I couldn't leave this box, not because it was hard to open, but because it was closed. And it was closed for a reason, right?

No. Just no. The thoughts and experiences of other people created this box and told me to stay there. People with different perspectives, understandings, experiences, talents, and dreams. They created this box for me to be safe and quiet. Simple and fine. Unaware and dependent. I know this idea of being stuck in a box and breaking free isn't novel. I just didn't realize I was living in this box until now. I thought I was living a life of freedom and it had all this potential for fulfillment. I thought I was happy. I thought I was making big moves. But the moment I finally reached my arms to grab what I wanted, they couldn't stretch out all the way. My hands hit the wall before my dream and instead of pushing through, I put them back down by my side. So here I am, in the middle of this massive life changing realization during a global pause where everything is closed and yet, I have never felt so free. Yesterday I decided to open the box despite the words around me saying to stay inside.

Why am I writing about this and putting it out into the world? Because this is the start of a pivoting business, a refreshed perspective, and a revived me. And I'd love for you to come along on this journey.